Unvoiced Feelings
by fanfanfanatic
Summary: It picks up from when Santana tells her Grandma her sexuality, after being rejected Santana seeks comfort in her bestfriend Brittany, who she secretly loves. I'd get the tissues ready because there is also a character death, I know heavy stuff.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Santana Lopez or Brittany Pierce, all rights go to Glee, Fox, Sky etc, I solely wrote this for entertainment purposes.**

**Lots and lots of angst and an insane amount of Santana inner monologue, written at the request of Charlotte Dougan. **

**Enjoy!**

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Santana ran across the road, tears fell furiously down her flushed cheeks. Her heart felt heavy in her chest and the feeling threatened to swallow her whole. She pushed on forward, forcing one foot in front of the other trying to block out the ringing in her ears with the sound of her heels hitting the pavement. Santana wasn't quite sure where she was heading but as she continued to stumble forward she somehow managed to find herself on the familiar street of her girlfr…bestfriend. A lump rose in her throat as she pictured Brittany's face, the way her piercing blue eyes widens with amazement whenever she sees something beautiful or the way her nose crinkles when she's laughing or the way she brushes her golden hair behind her ear when she's nervous or the way her eyebrows furrow when she gets even the littlest bit confused…

Santana didn't want to knock on the door.

She didn't want to love girls either. She had no choice though; the love she felt for Brittany was out of her control. No matter how hard she tried, no matter how many men she had slept with at the end of the day the only one who could make her heart beat faster was Brittany. Before she knew it her fist was pounding on the door only to be greeted immediately. The blond girl held door open with a bright smile on her face but Santana could see the hint of confusion swimming in her sea-blue eyes.

Brittany broke the silence with a giggle. "Hey San, your wet. Why aren't you wearing a coat?" There was no reply. Santana hadn't even noticed the rain, it was only until she looked up at the sky she began to feel tiny water droplets graze her face. She was shivering violently and all she wanted to do was drop but instead she collapsed into her bestfriend arms. A sob escaped from her mouth as she fell deeper into the embrace. "Are you crying?" the shock and concern in Brittany's voice only seemed to cut Santana deeper. She didn't want to be here, she didn't want to impose on this girl's happy life. What Santana did want was to be accepted by her Grandma, to be 'normal' but this felt normal, it felt comfortable and safe and_ normal_ in Brittany's arms, almost as if she finally knew what it felt like to be loved back. Her stomach suddenly twisted and her heart clenched painfully, she hated that she was vulnerable and it slowly dawned on her that maybe she was wrong, maybe she wasn't loved back. It only makes Santana grip tighter on her bestfriends t-shirt.

She feels herself being dragged awkwardly up the stairs and she even hears the soothing mumbles of Brittany voice but she does not utter a word in reply, she only allows herself to be completely consumed by the warmth of her Brittany. She is gently placed on the floor next to the radiator. They stay curled on the carpet a little longer until finally Brittany's arms release from her waist. Santana cries out painfully and tears fall heavier than ever. She's alone. It could have been seconds, minutes or even hours but at last the blond girl finally comes back. She lovingly drapes the towel over Santana's shoulders whilst carefully handing her a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows and cream. "Thank you" is all Santana can choke out but after a few sips of her drink she starts crying again. Immediately Brittany rushes to her side rubbing her warm as they rock back and forth. "What's wrong San? Please just tell me what's wrong?" It is no more than a whisper but the pain and sadness in the silent plea is evident.

"It's nothing, I'm just, it's just, it's nothing"

"Why can't you tell me?"

"Would you laugh if I told you… if I told you that I can't s-stop feeling like your…." _the love of my life, _she inhaled deeply trying to get the courage to voice her feelings "...like your d-damn cat is judging me?" Santana laughed sadly whilst sending her signature glare to lord tubington, it was all half-hearted however and Brittany could see that. Santana wanted to tell her that she was the love of her life but she wasn't ready not just yet and so they stayed huddled together all night and let the disappointment wash over them as the both drifted to sleep crying.

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**Chapter 1 of 3, more drama and angst to come which is great if you're into that, please leave a review or a request of a fic you'd like me to write and thank you for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

Santana stretched under the duvet of her bed covering the light from the window with a pillow. She breathed in deeply and was suddenly overwhelmed with the smell of strawberries, the smell of Brittany. She quickly realised that she wasn't in her bed at all but in fact her bestfriends bedroom; the events of the past evening came rushing to her in an overwhelming wave, the disappointment and disgust in her grandmother's eyes, the screams that followed afterwards and then the crying. _Oh god the crying_. Her vision was blurred but as she turned to her side she saw Brittany sleeping on top of the covers. The whole image made Santana frown with guilt and despair because even though this blond, innocent girl was sleeping peacefully there was also an unmistakable undercurrent of sadness to her expression and that was enough to make Santana want to leave. She felt like she had intruded in this happy girl's life bringing all her struggles and rage along, Brittany should have been downstairs by now helping her mum make pancakes and singing songs to the radio but instead she was laid down beside Santana dealing with problems that were not her duty to solve. She did this unconditionally and Santana couldn't and wouldn't impose any longer.

Santana looked at Brittany one more time trying to absorb her face as much as possible, the curve of her nose, the shadow of her eyelashes on her cheek, her pouted lips. She took it all into her memory and then she quietly rose from under the duvet and drifted over to the bathroom.

Her bare feet pattered along the cold tile floor and as she reaches the sink she lets out a long, weary sigh. She looked a mess; most noticeable at first glance were the mascara streaks that had stained her cheeks, the lipstick that has been smeared around her mouth and her black hair was tangled and matted but there was something else. Beneath her rough surface something else had changed. She looked long and hard at the mirror trying to find what was missing and then suddenly she realised that the glint in her eyes she always had was gone. Her eyes should have been warm and dark brown was now it was just isolate, black and empty.

She tried to turn the tap of the sink on as silently as possible but cursed under her breath as the knob squeaked and pipes grumbled in protest. The warm water enveloped her palms before trickling down her fingertips. Santana cupped her hands and gently poured water on her face wiping away the remnants of her make-up and calming herself down. She had never felt so bare in her life. She could barely recognise herself, without the looks and cocky persona she had no idea who she was looking at in the mirror. Santana hated herself for making her life a fucked up mess, for being to god-damn defensive all the time and never letting anyone in. She had nothing now. No family. No friends. God even she hated herself why would anyone think she was worth more. However there_ was_ one person who thought she mattered, that one person was Brittany. Santana wanted to get her life in order, sort out all the shit she had with no one's help but her own. She would do this for Brittany because Brittany deserved better and only when she was finally ready and rid of all her personal issues would she finally tell Brittany her true feelings. She would tell Brittany she loved her. For now though she had to leave, she knew that if she didn't leave at this moment she would end up destroying the one thing she hadn't ruined yet.

Santana quickly crept back to Brittany's side and placed a sweet, tender kiss on her cheek careful not to wake her but secretly hoping that she would wake up and show her beautiful blue eyes. Santana felt tears tracing down her cheek as she held down a cry, why did this have to be so fucking hard? She put her heels on her feet and turned towards the door. She gripped on to the door handle pushing it down slowly, her nails digging into her shaky hands. It creaked quietly as it opened but it sounded louder in Santana's ringing ears. She walked outside but before closing the door she took one last look through her tear-filled eyes to make she her bestfriend, her only friend was safe. Brittany shifted gently, fingers fumbling on the empty space next to her, trying to find the girl she thought would be there. She opened her blue celestial eyes and whispered Santana's name desperately.

Santana slammed the door quickly and stumbled down the stairs trying to get away as quickly as possible. She sobbed violently as she pushed pass the front door ignoring the calls from Brittany. It was the hardest thing she had ever done in all her life she just wanted to run back and apologise. She didn't though. She continued going forward telling herself she would do this for Brittany because Brittany deserved better.

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**So it's coming up to the climatic ending but fair warning it will not be rainbows and sunshine, please review and tell me if you like it or even send me a request, happy to write whichever. Thank you so much for reading!**


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